WHY AMERICANS CAN’T THINK
- Jan Writer
- Oct 4, 2024
- 4 min read
Isn’t it funny how rain makes cardboard so weak? I used to leave boxes out in the rain when I was a kid, just to watch them dissolve, piece by piece, soggy strips falling apart like unspooled intestines. Maybe this is why American thought collapses the way it does — soaked, limp, unable to hold anything substantial. They’re all wet cardboard, their brains swimming in the rain of mediocrity, never quite getting a grip on anything real.
Now, here’s where you’d expect me to dive into some structured thesis about why Americans lack intellectual depth. You’d expect a clear, linear argument, wouldn’t you? But that’s the problem. Americans love that shit. Clean and easy-to-swallow ideas, spoon-fed like mashed potatoes to an overgrown baby. And if you’re American, you’re already feeling it — that bubbling discomfort in your gut. “Not all Americans,” you want to say. Shut up. I’m talking about you.
Let’s talk about intellect — no, let’s not. It’s boring. Americans love boring. It’s the same reason they can watch football for five hours straight and call it a sport. A bunch of men throwing themselves at each other with the grace of an erection at a funeral, and somehow it’s more intellectual than Plato’s Republic. But let’s not get caught in that kind of comparison. It’s beneath me — and yet, maybe, it’s not. Why would I talk about Plato when Americans think Kamala Harris is a communist? “Plato? Wasn’t he that guy from the Bible?”
Americans have reduced thinking to the intellectual equivalent of eating a McDonald’s cheeseburger. Cheap, processed, and barely passing for sustenance. Have you ever tried asking an American what they think of Kafka? “Uh, Kafka? Isn’t that a type of coffee?” They’ll laugh like they’ve said something clever. And you’ll die a little inside, knowing they’ve probably never read anything more challenging than a Buzzfeed article on which Disney princess they are based on their Taco Bell order.
And the education system? What a joke. Here’s a system designed to churn out kids who think “To Kill a Mockingbird” is the height of American literature.
Spoiler alert: it’s not.
But don’t tell that to the high school teachers who assign it every goddamn year as if it’s some untouchable masterpiece. Harper Lee wrote one novel, folks. One. And they worship her like she’s fucking Tolstoy. You know what that is? Laziness. Americans are lazy thinkers. They latch onto something safe and familiar and ride it like an old, broken vibrator that hasn’t sparked joy in years. But they won’t replace it, will they? It still works — sort of.
Now, let’s take a detour, because why not? This entire essay is a detour. Let’s talk about porn. Yes, porn. Americans watch more porn than anyone else in the world. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. When you’re too lazy to think, to challenge yourself intellectually, you resort to the easiest form of entertainment — raw, uninhibited fucking. At least it’s honest. It’s visceral.
But even their porn is dull. Overproduced, sanitized, mechanical. The same three positions. A metaphor for their intellect, really — missionary, doggy, and cowgirl, repeat ad nauseam. It’s all a performance, and none of it is interesting.
Americans fear complexity. That’s why they’ve never understood the world around them. Ask an American to explain existentialism, and they’ll think you’re asking about a new brand of antidepressants. Sartre? Isn’t that a kind of cheese? Americans don’t like cheese that smells funny, by the way. They need it bland, like their thoughts. Like their patriotism. Like their freedom. Funny, how freedom has become synonymous with ignorance. A place where free speech means you can shout whatever you want, as long as it’s wrapped in a flag. A flag that covers their collective intellectual nudity, hiding the fact that they’ve been stripped bare by years of consumerism, capitalism, and mindless entertainment.
Speaking of which — capitalism. The real root of their intellectual decline, if we’re being serious for a moment. How can you expect to breed thinkers in a system where everything is commodified, including thought? Ideas are products to be sold, packaged neatly into TED Talks and self-help books, none of which challenge you to actually think. Just to feel good about thinking.
That’s the soggy strip that falls away when you poke too hard. Americans don’t want to think. They want the illusion of thinking. They want to believe they’re intellectually superior because they own a MacBook and wear glasses they don’t need.
But let’s not get stuck here. Let’s move. Let’s shift focus entirely. What about the fact that Americans think they invented democracy? A laughable idea, given that the Greeks were out here philosophizing about governance while America was nothing but a gleam in the genocidal eyes of colonizers. And even when they did finally get around to forming a government, they couldn’t be bothered to give women or people of color the right to vote.
Intellectual giants, indeed.
Am I being too harsh? Perhaps. But if I wasn’t, it wouldn’t stick. It wouldn’t make you squirm in your seat, wondering if maybe — just maybe — I’m right.
And that’s the thing about Americans — they can’t handle criticism. They take everything personally because they’ve been spoon-fed the idea that they’re exceptional from birth. Exceptionalism is a disease, and it’s rotting the very fabric of their society. Or maybe it’s just the rain. Wet cardboard. Soggy, useless, and falling apart.
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